Written by: Jason Gazaway

Muuuaaaaahhhhh…  (picture of our illustrious leader grinning madly and wringing his hands while one wonders what mischief he’s been up to)….

I saunter into the office Halloween morning feeling like a million bucks.  I mean, how else would I feel all gussied up like Marilyn Monroe?  As I enter the office I duck, narrowly avoiding being singed by a light saber.  Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are battling it out to the death right here in Buford, GA.  I mean, who let those yahoos in?  What’s a blond to do to protect her hairdo?  (My wig could have gone up in flames!)  As I stand there, heart racing at having just missed my early demise, I’m grabbed and carted off by a big, hairy and very smelly Wookie.  This is not how I had envisioned my day beginning.

As I’m being lugged further away from my desk, I see out of the corner of my eye a bloody-chested groom.  Perhaps he was trying to steal that Gangster’s girl and got the raw end of the deal?  I had heard some gunfire earlier.  He should know better than to mess with the Mob.  In the distance I see a twinkling light.  As we get closer I realize it’s James, our Shipping Manager.  Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?  Is he….is he…. dressed as a fairy?  Sure enough he is, pink tutu and all.  No matter, he’s got special powers.  Before I know it, he’s freed me from the clutches of the warbling Wookie.

As I work my way through the warehouse to get back to my desk I hear a horrible, gut-wrenching sound that strikes fear in my chest.  What is that, I wonder?  Sounds like metal scraping against metal.  I quicken my steps, sensing trouble.  As I round the corner out pops Freddie Kruger!  I scream and turn around to flee.  Suddenly, my hero appears.  It’s Dieman Dave, the Redneck Ninja.  With a ‘judi’ chop, a quick throw of the tobacco can ‘ninji’ star and some ‘ninji whompin’ action, Freddie was toast!  Yeah!

Not wanting to get into any further trouble, I ask Dieman Dave, the Redneck Ninja, to escort me to my desk so I can get some work done.  As we’re walking, we hear the eerie creak of a wooden door being opened.  Oh no, really?  It’s a mummy, wrapped head to toe in…well, whatever the heck mummies are wrapped in!  This was a fast mummy too; not one of those lumbering idiots you see in all the movies.  Luckily for me I’m quick on my feet.  Unfortunately, the Redneck Ninja, not so much.  Oh well, sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

No more fooling around, it’s time to get to work!  I catch a ride with a cute biker chick.  As we pass the picketing nudist group (don’t ask), we narrowly avoid hitting the Chick-fil-A cow – darn, I had worked up an appetite, too, with all these shenanigans (oops!, did I say that out loud?).  Finally I arrive safe and sound at my desk.  Muuuaaaaahhhhh…..I hear.  As I turn around, there’s our leader dressed in a business suit jacket, boxers with ninja turtles on them and socks pulled up to his knees.  Oh, brother, the madness begins anew…!

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